What I've Done
by Spirited Heart
Summary: Songfic. When the demon side Ashitaka takes over, in a blind fit of fury he accidentally kills San; And he just can't live with the guilt over what he's done. Rated for character death, violence, and suicide.


**A/N: here's my first Princess Mononoke fan fic and song fic. Please, don't be cruel! **

**Warning: some violence, suicide, and character death**

**Disclaimer: I don't own San, or Ashitaka. Or Lady Eboshi.. Or the Great Forest Spirit. Or Yakul. Or any other characters that I can't think of right now. **

_**In this farewell  
There's no blood  
There's no alibi  
'Cause I've drawn regret  
From the truth  
Of a thousand lies  
**_

Ashitaka awoke from another dreamless sleep, wiping his dark brown eyes and yawning deeply. He shifted onto his side and glanced over at San, who was sleeping peacefully beside him. _She looks so beautiful when she's sleeping, _Prince Ashitaka thought to himself. He reached out and stroked her cheek delicately. She stirred, and then awoke.

"Good morning," she sighed, "did you sleep well, Ashitaka?"

"Yes." He lied. The curse that had slowly advancing up his arm was now spreading quicker. He knew he didn't have much more time until he died, or became a demon himself. But Ashitaka didn't want to tell his love that, not on such a beautiful morning.

_**So let mercy come  
and wash away  
what I've done**_

All of a sudden, a searing, white hot pain erupted from his arm. Ashitaka jumped out of his sleeping palate, with an uncontrollable desire to kill something. _It's the demon taking over. _Ashitaka thought desperately. _I've got to make it stop…I could kill someone! _In his blind rage, Ashitaka could hear San jump up desperately behind him.

"Ashitaka, is it happening again? Does it hurt? What's happening!?" San's voice was coming increasingly frightened as she watched her love twisting and turning in pain, fighting the demon that was taking over his body, and was now taking over his mind. Ashitaka got the ache to kill something…it was the demon, but he just couldn't control it. He grabbed the knife he kept by his side and plunged it into San's chest. She collapsed to the ground gasping, blood spurting out of her newly acquired wound.

_**I'll face myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself****, and let go of what I've done**_

All of a sudden, a searing, white hot pain erupted from his arm. Ashitaka jumped out of his sleeping palate, with an uncontrollable desire to kill something. _It's the demon taking over. _Ashitaka thought desperately. _I've got to make it stop…I could kill someone! _In his blind rage, Ashitaka could hear San jump up desperately behind him.

"Ashitaka, what's going on? Is it the demon? What is it!? What's happening!?" San's voice was coming increasingly frightened as she watched her love twisting and turning in pain, fighting the demon that was taking over his body, and was now taking over his mind. Ashitaka got the ache to kill something…it was the demon, but he just couldn't control it. He grabbed the knife he kept by his side and plunged it into San's chest. She collapsed to the ground gasping, blood spurting out of her newly acquired wound.

_**Put to rest  
What you thought of me  
While I clean this slate  
With the hands of uncertainty**_

"SAN! NO!" he yelled, and fought his way out of his blind fury. He dropped to the ground by her side.

"San…I'm so sorry, god I'm so sorry…what have I done?" he wept as he knelt behind her. She gasped, and tried to smile, but couldn't. Ashitaka took her delicate hand on his, while silent tears streamed down his cheeks and hit the ground.

"It's alright…Ashi….I'll…get through….this…we'll get through--" And then San's arm fell limp, and she was dead.

"NO!" He screamed. The one person who had loved him for what he really was gone; the one person who could have ever loved someone like him…

_****__**For what I've done  
I start again  
and whatever pain may come  
Today this ends  
I'm forgiving what I've done**_

In a daze, Ashitaka stumbled blindly out of the camp site and across the forest. He couldn't stand to be there with San knowing he had killed her. He needed to escape, to let go, to not feel anymore pain.

Finally Ashitaka made his way out of the forest, and found himself standing on a jagged rock cliff looking over the beautiful forest. He had been to this place before, when San was still nursing him back to health. Moro had been tolerant, but still had hated him. As Ashitaka stood on the edge of the cliff, he remembered something that Moro had said to him then. Ashitaka had been standing in the very spot that he was now.

"You could just jump. End it all."

Moro was a wise god, acknowledged Ashitaka. Maybe I should jump…and end it all. I am nothing without my Princess Mononoke. And with a single tear traveling slowly down his cheek, Ashitaka jumped; only thinking of what he had done.

_****__**what I've done  
Forgiving what I've done**_

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**So...what'd ya think of that? Please read and review...flame if necessary. Feel free to read my other work for Maximum Ride, the Neverending Story, Peter Pan, and the Outsiders!**

**Cheers,**

**Habs :)**

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